10 Things to Say at an Unbeliever's Funeral

“I just can’t believe all those (Bible) stories,” my friend said. “They’re just fables.” 

I’d prayed for, witnessed to, and even wrote a letter sharing my faith with her. During the weeks before her death, godly friends visited her and shared the Gospel. People in several churches prayed for a softening of her heart toward spiritual things. To my knowledge, my friend died without placing her faith in Jesus. 

Her funeral was one of the saddest experiences I’ve ever endured. 

The apostle Paul, in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 tells believers facing the death of someone who has died in Christ, “that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.” This comfort is achingly absent in the death of an unbeliever. 

When we attend (or officiate at) their funerals, what should we say? 

I'm sharing today over at Crosswalk.com. To read the rest of "10 Things to Say at an Unbeliever's Funeral," CLICK HERE.


You might also find this helpful:  "10 Scriptures about Death to Comfort the Grieving."

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3 Steps to Take When Grief Makes You Angry

Has grief ever made you angry?

I'm not by nature an angry person. It's not my default mode, and I seldom deal with everyday life in an angry way, but recently I got mad.

When I realized I was mad at my sister-in-law Kay, who died almost two years ago,  I wondered if I was losing it.

We were preparing to celebrate a family birthday with my in-laws. As we decided who would bring what dish to the potluck meal, there was a big gaping hole when we got to the question of the cake.

"Kay always made the cake," my husband said.

But Kay is no longer with us. She went home to be with the Lord two summers ago.

And I was left baking the cake.

And boy, was I mad.

In a sad sort of way.

I wasn't mad because I had to bake the cake. I was mad because there was going to be yet another celebration that wasn't quite a celebration any more. A member of my family who was supposed to be there wasn't. Not any more. Not ever again. And that made me angry.

My friend Renee' will graduate from college next month. And her father won't be in the audience clapping and cheering for her. He died when she was three.

And she's angry. In a sad sort of way.

And then there's my neighbor, whose husband paid every bill and balanced the checkbook every month for over 50 years. This month she has to do it alone.

And she's angry, too. In a sad sort of way.

My friend, Buffy Crabtree, a grief counselor and author of the book Grieving God's Way, tells me it's normal. She says people often manifest feelings of deep sorrow in anger. It's a natural response when someone precious has been taken from us, and we are left to carry on. Whenever we reach a milestone in our lives that our loved one should be a part of, whether it's small, like a birthday party, or huge, like a graduation or wedding, we grieve all over again. Sometimes we express this  grief in anger instead of sorrow.

In her book, she shares three ways to deal with angry grief constructively:

1. We can take comfort in the knowledge that God understands when we hurt and longs to wrap His healing arms around us. Being honest with God about our emotions allows Him to console us.  Remembering that even Jesus grieved at the tomb of a beloved friend reminds us that He understands every bit of pain we feel.

2. It's important to express our feelings, not stifle them. Talking with a spouse, friend, Sunday School teacher, or other empathetic listener doesn't change our circumstances, but it reminds us we are not alone.

3.  If we feel our anger is difficult to manage, out of control, or destructive to ourselves or others, it's important to secure the help of a trusted counselor, pastor, or friend. They can help us channel our anger into more constructive expressions of grief and bring us one step closer to healing.

As a believer, I have the comfort of scripture to remind me that the empty place around our celebration table isn't forever. One day soon, I will sit around a celebration table with my sister-in-law Kay, my sister Cindy, and my brother-in-law Luther, and we'll hear the announcement from the throne saying:

"Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.
 
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away" (Rev. 21:4).

And we'll eat cake together.

Helpful Resources and Books:

1.Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love by Raymond Mitsch

2.  GriefShare – www.griefshare.org

3. Recovering from Losses in Life by H. Norman Wright

4. Why? Trusting God When You Don’t Understand by Anne Graham Lotz

5. The Anger Workbook: A 13-Step Interactive Plan to Help You by Les Carter, Ph.D and Frank Minirth,MD.

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Is There an Empty Chair at Your Holiday Table?

At my Thanksgiving table this year, there will be three empty chairs.

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Is There an Empty Chair at Your Holiday Table?

Dr. B's Red Pajamas

I never thought I'd see him again, but there he was, rolling through our office doorway, dressed in his classic tweed blazer, but with a twist -- bright red pajama bottoms.

Dr. B. always requested me as his dental hygienist.  Because of our regular appointments, I knew quite well the physical challenges he had experienced.  A tall man, always nicely groomed with a shock of white hair, Dr. B. is an education specialist at a local university. He had his first hip replacement some twelve years ago. Afterward, he walked with a cane and a limp. 

Three years after surgery, his hip was recalled. This meant he had to suffer another surgery, along with extensive rehabilitation.  Three years after his second surgery, his hip failed again. Now he is permanently confined to a wheel chair. A taxi driver delivers him to all of his appointments.

Six months ago, he was so weak and sick when he arrived at our office that he couldn't get out of the taxi. Our doctor met him at the car and directed him straight to the emergency room.  He spent four months in the hospital. We never expected him to be released.

But there he sat, dapper as usual, his dignified charm unaffected by his less than formal pajama pants. I had to hug him. 

"You don't know what I went through these past months," he said.

"I heard," I replied, "and I am really glad to see you."

While I was thinking of the physical trial he had been through, there was another trial weighing heavily on his heart.

"My oldest brother died three months ago," he said, eyes filling up with tears, "and my youngest brother died a few weeks ago. I couldn't attend either funeral. My son and his wife went in my place."

My heart hurt for this man who had suffered so much.  While up to this point I had been unable to offer him anything but sympathy concerning his physical trials, I now had a place to connect.

"While my family was in Mexico on a mission trip," I told him, "my sister-in-law died suddenly.  We were unable to make it back for her funeral. Dear friends stood in our places.  It brings a lot of comfort, doesn't it, knowing that someone is there on your behalf?"

"Yes it does,"  he replied thoughtfully.

Although my words changed nothing about Dr. B's situation, I know they brought a measure of comfort to his tender heart. There is something about the fellowship of suffering that bonds people together.  The apostle Paul talked about the mysterious power of shared pain in Second Corinthians 1:4-5, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

When we reach out to people in the name of Jesus and allow them to share both our pain and our consolation, in a small way, we redeem our suffering.  We choose, as Joni Erickson Tada often says, not to waste the pain.

If you have experienced a painful time in your life, maybe a job loss, a death, a broken marriage, a sickness, or a wayward child, and God has brought you through, be ready to offer words of hope and comfort to those around you. Be ready, as Peter admonished us, "to give a reason for the hope that lies within you" (1 Peter 3:15).

Be comforted, also, that suffering surrendered to Christ and offered up for his use is not in vain.  Instead of despairing, we can "rejoice, inasmuch as you are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when His glory shall be revealed, you may be glad also with exceeding joy" (1 Peter 4:13).

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Have I Told You Lately that I Love You?

Some anniversaries are happy, like wedding anniversaries (27 in December) and homeowner anniversaries (23 and paid for).

Some anniversaries are not so happy, like those that mark the time since loved ones have passed away. This month my family marks two such anniversaries. On August 1, 2010, my sister-in-law Kay died unexpectedly of a triple brain aneurysm while we were away on a mission trip to Mexico. Three weeks later, on August 21, my sister Cindy died from complications involving a toxic interaction of long-term prescribed medications.

Today my baby sister, Tina, sent me a song message. When I opened her voice mail, I heard a classic love song by Rod Stewart.  It asked a question that we should all consider from time to time, "Have I Told You Lately that I Love You?" Based on Stewart's other musical offerings, it's safe to say that he has a very skewed understanding of what true love is, but he asks a great question.

We were 3,000 miles away from home last summer when we received word that Kay had died. Immediately my husband's thoughts returned to his last conversation with his sister three days before we left for Mexico. Extremely busy with last minute trip preparations, he heard her voice over the answering machine. Tempted not to pick up the phone because of the press of the To Do List, he instead let his heart rule over his head. He talked with Kay for a few minutes. Ever the big sister, she told him she was proud of him for the way he was preparing to lead our team to minister in Mexico.

"I love you brother, " she concluded. 

"I love you too," he said as he ended the conversation.

Those were the last words they would exchange on this side of eternity.

My sister's death was very different. Experiencing a toxic interaction between several prescribed medications, Cindy went into respiratory arrest one night. By the time she reached the hospital, all her body systems were failing.

Cindy stayed in a coma on a respirator for over three weeks while we wondered, and hoped, and prayed. Then one day, she opened her eyes. A few days later her kidneys began to function, and she was weaned from the respirator. Uncertain of how much brain damage she had suffered, we continued to talk, sing, and joke with her. Mostly she stared, eyes unfocused, while we wondered if the Cindy we knew was still in there somewhere.

I visited one day during those uncertain times. As I greeted her, I leaned close to press my cheek against her forehead. Surprisingly, her arm came up in an awkward embrace, and she haltingly spoke the words I never thought I would hear from her lips again, "Ahh wuv oooo."

"Ah wuv oooo, too," I blubbered back. Cindy was usually the one to say "I love you" first. Though we lived in two very different worlds, we shared the common bond of a sister's love that transcended our differences.

Although Cindy began to deteriorate rapidly after that wonderful day, I realized that God had heard our prayers. We asked God to heal Cindy.  He gave her back to us for those brief days in order that we might tell her, one more time, that we loved her, and to hear her say it too.  We ended each visit the same way, even the last night I saw her.  By then she was unable to respond, but I said it anyway.

"Ah wuv oooo, Cindy Lou."


Have I told you lately that I love you?

If you need to say it to someone, don't wait another minute.

 "This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you."  (John 15:12)

No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us.  (1 John 4:12)

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Are You Ready to Go?

If you knew your life would end tomorrow,  would you be ready?

Several weeks ago a radio preacher made headlines by proclaiming that the end of the world was coming on May 21.  I took special note of this prediction because my youngest daughter was graduating from  high school that day.  Thankfully we had our bases covered, since commencement was to be at 2 pm, and the end of the world was scheduled for six.

 Many biblical scholars countered this man's prediction with Mark 13:32 that says of Christ's coming, "But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."

We know that May 21 came and went without the rapture of the church or the end of the world, and skeptics scoffed at the whole concept of  divine judgement.

Not so quick, I say, Harold Camping made a major mistake, and it cost him his credibility, but he got at least one thing right.  There will be a time when Christ comes back to judge the world and the people in it.  Just because Camping overstepped biblical boundaries and set a date for Christ's return doesn't mean we have the right to throw his whole theology out the window.  Whether you believe the teaching of the Rapture of the church or not, the Bible clearly teaches that one day our life on this earth will end, and we will have to answer for how we have lived our lives.

God always keeps His promises, and His calendar is never off.

In Genesis 15, God told Abraham that his descendents would live in Egypt for over 400 years before God would deliver them from slavery and bring them back to the land of Israel.

Exodus 12:41 tells the fulfillment of the promise.  "And it came to pass at the end of the four hundred and thirty years -- on that very same day -- it came to pass that all the armies of the Lord went out from the land of Egypt."

As the Israelites prepared for the exodus, God told them what to do.  First, prepare the passover lamb, and eat it.  God knew they couldn't embark on a journey without food to sustain them.  How he told them to eat it, though, is most interesting.  "And thus you shall eat it:  with a belt on your waist, your sandals on your feet, and your staff in your hand.  So you shall eat it in haste."

 In other words, God was telling them to do what they needed to do, but be sitting on GO.  "Be ready," he told them.

 His message is the same for us today.  "Watch therefore, for you do not know when the master of the house is coming--in the evening, at midnight, at the crowing of the rooster, or in the morning-- lest, coming suddenly, he find you sleeping. And what I say to you, I say to all: Watch! Therefore you also be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect."   (Mark 12:35-40)

This doesn't mean we sell all our possessions and quit our jobs to climb the rooftop and scan the sky.  Christ warned the early church about that.  What it does mean is that we should live our lives, as much as we can, with no spiritual regrets.

 My sister-in-law Kay lived her life like that.   She served God faithfully and taught generations of kindergarteners how to know her Savior.  She shared her faith boldly.  She served those around her unselfishly.  She laughed often.  She gave to the church.  She forgave quickly and asked forgiveness even quicker.    She lived her life with her shoes on her feet and her staff in her hand.  She was sitting on GO.

On August 1, 2010, she went to bed with a headache and woke up in the presence of her Savior.


If you knew your life would end today, would you be ready?