Worse than Kicking a Puppy

Most of us would never kick a puppy. Or strike a child. Or abuse an elderly person. Sadly, however, we possess the ability to hurt and harm in other ways, sometimes thoughtlessly, other times deliberately. 

The apostle James described it this way: “If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man” (James 3:2). 

James either struggled with his tongue or lived with someone who did. 

“Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. . .” he says. 

We gossip in the name of “sharing.” 
We complain in the name of “venting.” 
We criticize in the name of “rebuking.” 
We speak sarcastically in the name of “humor.” 

We walk through our days, marriages, and lives gathering bits of ammunition until one day, usually when our intended target least expects it, we pull the trigger. Like buckshot, our destructive words puncture dozens of tiny holes that cause the lifeblood of our relationships to drain away. 

Some days we are the hunter, and other days we are the prey. 

“. . . no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (v. 8). 

Critical words steal ambition. 
Angry words build relational walls. 
Careless words wound tender spirits. 
Manipulative words plant guilt instead of grace. 
Unspoken words say more than a hundred audible ones. 

Worst of all, we speak with a divided tongue, revealing to all who will listen what’s really in our hearts (Mat. 12:34). 

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing” (v. 9-10). 

My brothers (and sisters), this should not be. 

What if, for one day, then one week, then perhaps one lifetime, we commit to ask three questions before a word leaves our mouths: 

1. Is it true? 

2. Is it kind? 

3. Is it necessary? 

What if we wielded our verbal sword with arms of love, using our words to vanquish discouragement, doubt, and defeat? What if we raised the standard of grace and the guns of mercy in the name of kindness, kinship, and Christ? What if we jumped into the fray of social chaos and spoke the truth in love while sacrificially serving those whom we most want to reach? 

What if we used our words to heal instead of hurt? 

“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 

Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness” (Jas. 3:17-18). 

Will you join me in using our words for God’s glory instead of his shame?

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I Was a Foolish Woman

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In the early days of parenting, I was a foolish woman. 

Primarily a stay-at-home mom, and then later a homeschooling mother, I spent a lot of time with my children. This was good, because it gave me the opportunity to teach and train them, imparting valuable life skills as we moved through our days together. I had the privilege of modeling the behavior I hoped they would incorporate into their lives. “Values are more often caught than taught,” I’d heard, and I believed it. 

I’d watch my eldest daughter reading to my toddler and think, she’s going to be such a great mom one day. 

I’d catch the youngest girl encouraging her stuffed animal in a voice that sounded very much like mine. Shaking her pint-sized finger, she’d say, “You need to eat all the squash on your plate, Lillie Bear, so you can be strong and healthy.” These lessons are sinking in, I’d think. 

And then came the day when I heard my daughter mumble as she tripped over her daddy’s shoes, “Men are so lazy. They never pick up after themselves.” It sent chills up my spine to hear my words coming out of my young daughter’s mouth. 

And she nailed the accompanying tone of disgust and disrespect perfectly. 

In a moment of Holy Spirit enlightenment, I realized that while my kind and gentle words were making an impression on my daughters, so also were the careless and destructive ones. “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down” (Proverbs 14:1). 

Without intending to, I had been tearing down their father and undermining their respect for him. It was a frightening realization. 

We seldom obey those we disrespect. We discard their teaching, ignore their examples, and defy their authority. Their instruction is meaningless and impotent. Without intending to, I had begun to sow seeds of disrespect and rebellion in my daughters’ lives by tearing down their father within their hearing. 

That day marked a major turning point in our home.

From that day on, I made a concerted effort only to say those things that were edifying. I talked to them about how hard working and dedicated he was, and about how much he loved his family. I mentioned the choices he made that they wouldn’t have otherwise noticed—how he would rather be home with us than out on the golf course, or how he drove the old car without air conditioning so we could drive the comfortable, newer one. I expressed my thankfulness within their hearing that he cared more about his wife staying home to raise his daughters than work to have a bigger house and expensive vacations. 

That day years ago, I witnessed how my words had the power to build up and the power to tear down. With God’s help, I wanted to build my home on the foundation of the love and respect I have for my husband. 

How about you? Do you struggle with your words? Have you, intentionally or unintentionally, torn down your husband in the presence of your children? If you have, it’s never too late to change. 

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May I suggest the following steps? 

1.  Confess and repent. Agree with God that you have sinned against him by disrespecting your husband. Ask him to forgive and change you. God always answers this prayer (1 John 1:9).

2.  Confess to your husband first, and then to your children. Tell them how God has convicted your heart and that you desire to change. Ask them to forgive and hold you accountable. 

3.  Pray every day, inviting God to make the words of your mouth and the meditation of your heart acceptable in his sight (Psalm 19:14).

4. Replace critical thoughts with thankful ones. Instead of thinking, “He’s so sloppy; he always drops his shoes in the doorway when he gets home from work,” think instead, “I’m so thankful I have a husband who works hard every day. And I’m thankful he comes home to us each evening.” As we learn to think rightly, we’ll also learn to speak rightly.

5.  When you mess up, and you will, repeat steps 1-4. 

What are your thoughts? How have you learned to build up your husband? Leave a comment below and join the conversation. If you’re reading by email, click here to comment. 



If you enjoyed this post, you might like "How Much Would Someone Pay for Your Words?"  
or "You is Kind. You is Smart. You is Important."

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Bark Less, Wag More

It's amazing where I find snippets of great wisdom. I found this jewel pasted to the back of a  ladybug red Volkswagen. It was a timely reminder with biblical roots.

It made me think of the people with whom I most enjoy spending time. They are waggers, not barkers.

Every time I'm with them, I come away with an encouraging comment tucked close to my heart. Like a visit to my grandma's, where she'd always send me off with a hug and a folded up dollar bill in my pocket, I come away from interactions with these friends richer for having spent time with them.

The Bible talks about the power of our words, both for good and for evil, in Proverbs 18:21: "The tongue has the power of life and death."

 Of edifying words, it says:

"The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life" (Proverbs 15:4).

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones" (Proverbs 16:24).

 And my favorite:

"A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver" (Proverbs 25:11).

Sadly, despite their power, we don't always use our words for good. We complain instead of expressing thankfulness. We criticize instead of encourage. We tear down instead of build up.

We bark instead of wag.

God's word addresses our mouth's alter ego:


"Reckless words pierce like a sword" (Proverbs 12:18).

"A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day" (Proverbs 27:15).

"A fool gives full vent to his anger" (Proverbs 29:11).

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing" (James 3:9-10)

As I pondered the bumper sticker wisdom of wagging more and barking less, of using my tongue for healing instead of hurting, for encouraging instead of discouraging, I purposed anew to be the kind of person I most enjoy being around. How about you? By what type of words are you characterized? Do your husband, children, friends, and coworkers look forward to your arrival or want to run the other way? Will you join me in committing to be someone who

Barks less and wags more?

I know God will be pleased.

"From the fruit of his lips a man enjoys good things" (Proverbs 13:2). 

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