Tender Words for Hardhearted Conflict

During a conflict with my husband the other day (yes, we have them, just like every other married couple), I ignored our habit of saying, “I love you” before we part for the day. To be honest, I didn’t feel very loving right then, so why be hypocritical? The phone rang, he answered it, and I walked out the door.

Boy did that feel good.

Until it didn’t.

Somehow we think slamming the door, getting the last word in, or telling someone exactly what we think of them will make us feel better. And it does, for an instant. But after that, if we are Christians with the Holy Spirit living inside us, we feel miserable. We know we’ve sinned against God and the other person, and guilt and regret weighs on our souls.

On this particular day, I drove all the way to work feeling smug. There. I showed him. Why should I always be the one to say I’m sorry? I’m too softhearted. I need to be tougher and not let things bother me as much. If he wants to be mad, let him be mad. It doesn’t have to ruin my day.

But in the deepest part of my heart, it was ruining my day. I love my husband, and it hurts when I’m at odds with him. But I stuffed the feelings down, determined to carry on with my day as if nothing was wrong.

I took my first patient back to the treatment room and made small talk about the weather and summer vacations.

“How’d your trip to Florida go? You were getting ready to leave the last time I saw you,” I said.

“Not so good,” she replied. “I need to tell you – my husband and I are separated. Our divorce will be final in a few months.”

Her words hit me like ice water on a hundred-degree day. As we talked about the sad events that had led to their separation, all I could think of was the disagreement I’d had with my husband that morning. And how prideful and hardhearted I had been to leave the house without telling him I loved him.

As soon as I dismissed my patient, I grabbed my cell phone.

“David, I’m sorry I walked out without saying I love you this morning. It was childish, and I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”

He did, then apologized for his part in the disagreement.

“I love you,” I said.

“And I love you,” he responded.

I don’t believe the first patient on my schedule was a coincidence that day. She was God’s reminder to treasure my marriage, set aside my pride, and remain tenderhearted.

The book of Second Kings tells about King Josiah, who lived among a wicked and rebellious people. Despite the negativity that surrounded him, he maintained his soft heart. ". . . because your heart was tender, and you humbled yourself before the LORD,” 2 Kings 22:19 testifies.

I want to be like Josiah, to resist pride, and remain tenderhearted and humble. This pleases the Lord. And it helps me live in harmony with those around me. 

“Be kind and compassionate to one another,” Ephesians 4:32 reminds me, “forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Before my patient left, I told her about Love and Respect, a book my husband and I are studying with a group of friends. We don’t always get it right, but we’re learning biblical truths that have the power to transform our marriages. I pray she’ll read it and apply the principles to her life, too.

Now it’s your turn. Do you ever struggle with pride and a hard heart? What Scriptures help you choose God’s way for resolving conflict? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Here's a fun photo from our 2016 time together.

Next month, I'll be leading a one day seminar at Good Shepherd UM Parish in northwestern Pennsylvania on Saturday, July 14, 2018. 


I'd love, love, LOVE for you to join us if you're anywhere nearby. Two years ago I met readers from Delaware, Ohio, and Pennsylvania in this same location -- how fun is that? We got to learn, worship, and pray together. It was a day-long glimpse of what heaven's going to be like when we're all together. If you're too far away, I'd love to work with your church's women's ministry to put together a one-day or weekend retreat or special women's event. Click on the Speaking Ministry tab to contact me.

Here are all the details about Today You Have Two Choices:

What: One-Day Ladies Seminar
Where:  Brookville, Pennsylvania
When: July 14, 2018
Cost: $35, which includes lunch and a prayer journal
Cost Saver deadline: June 15
How to Register: Contact Kathy Shaffer (814-328-2034)
klshaffer63@windstream.net
gsumc@windstream.net

Three Fantastic Sessions:

Session 1 - Today You Have Two Choices: 

Grumbling or Gratitude

In this hilarious session, Lori shares a story from her life that demonstrates how life can go from cruising to crashing in an instant. We'll examine the two options that usually accompany a crash and see what God's Word (and modern-day research) have to say about them.

Session 2 - Today You Have Two Choices:

Bitterness or Forgiveness

Bitterness, it's said, is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. We know it's destructive, yet we often struggle to overcome it. Sometimes we're not even sure we want to. In this powerful session, we'll study two women who made two very different choices, learn from their examples (good and bad), and discover what God can do when we surrender our bitterness to Him.

Session 3 - Today You Have Two Choices:

Fear or Faith

Hebrews 11:6 says, "Without faith it's impossible to please God," yet it's often easier said than done. When the circumstances of life hit us hard, fear often becomes our default setting. How can we resist fear and choose faith instead? Practical and personal, this workshop will lift your eyes beyond your circumstances to see what God can do if you commit your life to wholly trusting Him. This session includes a simple yet profound method to make your Bible reading come alive.

, 

Melissa Sylvis will lead us in worship. 

When you register, please let me know so I can look forward to meeting you!

If you enjoyed this post, why not subscribe? I'll send you twice-weekly 5-minute devotions to help nourish your soul. 
Because women need to connect with God in the craziness of life. 

Enter your email address and VALIDATE the Feedburner email sent to your inbox.



Delivered by FeedBurner

Do You Have a Bradford Pear Tree Marriage?

If your marriage survives its first few years, when do you think the next greatest threat will come? Year seven? Ten? Fifteen? Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted, tells us the second highest rate of divorce occurs not in the challenging years of early parenting, or even during the time when you’re raising teens. The second highest rate of divorce happens in the empty nest years. 

Today, as I walked my neighborhood in the pre-dawn hours, I saw a powerful illustration of why. In the ‘80s, a “new” tree came on the scene – the Bradford pear. Cultivated for its beautiful, flame-shaped branches and rapid growth, it quickly became the landscapers’ favorite. Developers lined entrances to subdivisions with long rows of them, and every yard had at least one. When they flowered in early spring, their white blooms were breathtaking. 

Unfortunately, after about 20 years, the trees began showing signs of serious structural problems. The long branches that created such a beautiful shape grew too heavy for the truck to support them. Wind, rain, or simply the weight of its leaves caused the trees to split in half, destroying the tree. 

Something similar often happens in our marriages. 

Like the Bradford Pear trees that so charmed the landscapers, our marriages start out beautiful. Their branches begin to grow and bear fruit. We mature. But in some marriages, the longer we’re together, the further we grow from each other. Before long, we begin to separate. Each year brings us futher and further from each other. By the time the empty nest years roll around, we’re so far apart we have nothing in common. A storm, a crisis, or the weight of day-to-day life takes its toll, and the marriage splits. 

If you don’t want to have a Bradford Pear marriage, here are ten steps you can take now to ensure you and your spouse grow together, not apart. 

1. Cultivate at least one shared experience without the kids. Even if it’s only once a month, do something fun you both enjoy. 

2. Attend church together. Studies still show committed Christians have a lower than average divorce rate. 

3. Put your marriage ahead of your kids. Studies also show the best thing you can do to help your children grow up happy, healthy, and well-adjusted is to stay married. 

4. Invest in your marriage. We don’t think twice about paying for summer camps, music lessons, and a myriad of other “necessities” for our children, but we balk at the cost of a weekend marriage retreat or getaway. When your child is 25, he’s not going to thank you for the archery lessons in fifth grade. He’s going to thank you for staying married when all his friends’ parents divorced. 

5. Be the first to say “I’m sorry.” No disagreement is all one person’s fault. Be the bigger person. Apologize for your part, and tell your spouse you love them. 

6. Participate in a marriage Bible study. Another way to invest in your marriage, learning from wise teachers alongside other people committed to growing their marriages will help you not be lazy in your most important human relationship. 

7. Say please and thank you. Treat your spouse with the same respect you’d treat a stranger. Don’t forget the common courtesies. 

8. Tell him what you like about him. When you were dating, you told him all the time how handsome, smart, and funny he was. Why stop now that you’re married? We all enjoy a sincere compliment every now and then. 

9. Pray together. When you and your spouse pray together, you don’t just join hands, or even hearts. When you pray, your souls touch. There’s not a stronger bond for cementing your marriage than inviting God into the center of it. 

10. Recognize what Emerson Eggerichs calls “The 80/20 Ratio.” His book, Love and Respect, explains it this way. “According to this concept, around 80 percent of the time, your marriage can be categorized as good or even great while around 20 percent of the time, you may have troubles of one kind or another. . . . If we do not accept the inevitability of some trouble as part of God’s design (that we will have moments when we feel unloved or disrespected), we may fall for the idea that a marriage should always be the perfect Hollywood romance. And then, when troubles do come, we may conclude that we are not receiving what we deserve.” 

A few months ago tropical-storm-force gusts blew through our neighborhood as Hurricane Irma roared by. Four trees went down. Three of them were Bradford Pears. 

I don’t have to share recent divorce statistics to warn you – the danger is real. So whether you’ve been married three weeks or three decades, investing in your relationship now will ensure you and your spouse grow stronger, closer, and more together as time passes. Be an oak, not a Bradford Pear.

If you enjoyed this post, why not subscribe? I'll send you twice-weekly 5-minute devotions to help nourish your soul. 
Because women need to connect with God in the craziness of life. 

Enter your email address and VALIDATE the Feedburner email sent to your inbox.



Delivered by FeedBurner