At first, sheltering in place presented a beautiful (albeit forced) opportunity to spend extra time together with those who share our household. As the social isolation measures have continued, however, our extended time together has brought out the best and the worst in us.
The fear, frustration, and disappointment that have characterized these days have challenged even the best relationships and family dynamics. At my house, my family and I have had great conversations and not-so-great conflicts. We've laughed, and we've cried. We've hugged, and we've argued. I suspect you can say the same.
God used my morning walk one day to remind me of six principles for fair fighting. I hope you'll find them helpful.
The lesson began with the neatest pile of yard trash I’d ever seen.
Farther down the street, another neighbor had also dragged yard debris to the road. His pile looked nothing like Neat Nate’s. An irregular mound of soggy leaves graced one end. A hodgepodge of carelessly flung branches, yard netting, and a Chick Fil A box completed the display.
A third neighbor added his contribution to the trash man’s collection—a black bag filled with unknown contents tied tightly and flung to the road.
The variety of trash piles reminded me of a marriage Bible study I'd participated in. Most helpful was the section on conflict resolution.
I thought about my family’s history of conflict resolution. Sometimes we’ve been like Neat Nate. We’ve organized our conflict and given it socially acceptable labels. The Silent Treatment. Adolescent exploration. Boundary Testing. Passive aggression. Micro and macro disobedience. Somehow giving it a trendy name and pigeonholing it made us feel a little more in control of our struggles.
At other times we’ve been too weary, frustrated, or hopeless to do anything other than dump our conflict on the side of the road for all to see. Our transparency was a cry for help and prayer.
Finally, there have been times when we were too ashamed, too disheartened, and too hopeless to do anything but throw a big, black bag over the top of it so no one but us would know how ugly it was.
Chip Ingram, in the study, Experiencing God’s Dream for Your Marriage, makes two significant points about conflict:
1. Conflict is normal.
2. Conflict is an opportunity for growth.
He says, “Conflict is inevitable. Every time you bring two people together, there will be conflict. The question is NOT ‘how do we have a conflict-free marriage?’ The question is “how do we deal with the conflict that WILL come?’”
In the 30 years we’ve been married, my husband and I have grown a lot in how we deal with conflict. We still have a lot of growing to do. After our recent Bible study, we set a few ground rules, in advance of our next conflict, to ensure that we fight fairly.
Here are our ground rules for fair fighting:
2. If we agree to delay the discussion, we will address the issue in a timely manner. No sweeping stuff under the rug until it accumulates into an ugly mess.
3. During our waiting period, we will still act in a loving manner toward each other. (No monosyllabic answers, cold shoulders, or drawing uncrossable lines down the middle of the bed.)
4. When we talk, we will use “I feel” sentences instead of “you always” or “you never.”
5. We will listen actively, repeating what the other has said if necessary.
6. We will acknowledge that while conflict can come from selfishness, as Ingram says, it can also arise from differences in belief, perspective, and style. Conflict is not always because of sinful behavior. Sometimes it’s simply the result of two very different people living in the same household.
Perhaps, like my husband and me, you’ve always thought of conflict as dangerous and harmful. In light of this different perspective, we’re encouraged by Ingram’s statement that if we deal with conflict in a healthy way, our marriage will not only survive, but THRIVE.
What have you learned about healthy conflict? Do you have a rule for fair fighting you’d like to add to my list? Why not leave a comment and share your thoughts? I’d love to hear from you.
That's in the Bible? I've never noticed that before!
It's probably been too long since you've newly discovered a story that speaks to your soul or a verse that pops with truth. But that's about to change!
Refresh Your Faith contains 66 culturally relevant, story-driven devotions, one from each book of the Bible. Each real-life story spotlights an unusual verse or Bible passage that you may have overlooked in your usual Bible reading. Lori Hatcher challenges you with additional features like an uncommon thought to ponder; an unusual faith action step; and an unfamiliar passage suggestion for additional Bible reading.
When the fabulous has become familiar and your quiet times are more like nap times, it's time to step out of spiritual boredom and ignite the spark that will keep you growing. No matter where you are on your faith journey, Lori's conversational and engaging style will challenge you to think about things you've never thought about before.
“Real-life inspiration and candid wit. These 5-minute devotions will change your life.” —Psychologist and best-selling author Dr. Kevin Leman, commenting on Lori Hatcher's devotional style
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I’d love to send you a 5-minute e-mail devotion twice a week to start your day off with the Lord.
Sign up for a free subscription to Hungry for God by CLICKING HERE.
Then, be sure to VALIDATE the confirmation email you receive.
Note: I promise never to spam you or share your email address.
Because busy women need to connect with God in the craziness of everyday life.
