Why is marriage so hard?

“Why is marriage so hard?” she asked. 

This sweet, young college student had lived long enough to realize that even long-term, committed relationships have their challenges. Male/female differences, varying personalities, and different communication styles are all valid reasons why marriage is challenging. 

“Why didn’t God just create us with the ability to relate to each other easily and deeply? Why does it have to be so hard?” she continued. 

Why indeed. 

Deep questions from a young mind causes me to ponder my answer well. This one simmers in my subconscious all night. When the answer comes, it's startling, almost laughable in its simplicity. 

“Why do you think deep relationships between men and women are so challenging?” I asked my walking partner this morning. “Why didn’t God make it easy for us?” 

“I’ll counter that question,” she said, “with a question of my own. If race relations are so difficult, why didn’t God just create one race? It would be so much easier.” 

“Well,” I countered, “he did. But sin messed it up.” 

And that, young friend, is also the answer to your question. God designed us to live in perfect harmony and love with each other and himself. This was his original plan. I believe that just like Adam and Eve walked and talked with God in a perfect relationship in the Garden, so they did with each other. 

But sin messed it up. 

God designed our differences as part of his perfect plan for mankind. If sin hadn’t entered the world, these differences would enhance our relationships, not make them more challenging. 

Think of the conflicts people have with their spouses. Isn’t sin at the root of most of them? We argue over free time, because he wants to watch a football game, and we want him to work in the yard. We argue over money, because he wants to buy a new television, and we want new curtains. We argue over sex because . . . well, you get the picture. 

God designed it perfectly. Mankind messed it up. Knowing this then, that all our relationships are tainted with the difficulties of sin, why should we even try to have deep, rich relationships? 

First, having to work at our relationship helps us value it. As Proverbs 25:2 says, “It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings.” God knows if we have to build and grow communication and relationship, we will treasure it more. “If it’s worth having,” my grandmother used to say, “It’s worth working for.” 

Discovering each other’s likes, dislikes, passions, fears, hopes, and dreams takes time and effort. The stack of relationship books David and I have read over the course of our 29-year-old marriage is tall, and the list of classes we’ve taken is long. We invest this time and effort because a good understanding of each is valuable and precious. We don’t take our relationship lightly, because we’ve worked so hard to learn each other. We’d never casually throw it away. We’ve invested too much. 

Second, if relationships were easy, we wouldn’t need God. And ultimately, what does God desire more than anything else? For us to come to him for everything, rely deeply on his wisdom and insight, and seek his power and will. If relationships were easy, we wouldn’t need him. “If any of you lack wisdom,” God invites, “let him ask of (me) who gives to all men liberally, without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5). 

As I’ve prayed for and about my relationship with my husband, God has given me wisdom, strength, insight, and power. As I’ve sought him for patience, kindness, love, self-control, gentleness, and courage, he’s made me a better person. And he’s grown my husband and my marriage. I pray our relationship reflects to the world what faithful, committed love looks like. Marriage, like our relationship with the Lord, is a lifetime love challenge, but it’s well worth the effort. 

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Someday, sweet friend, you’ll meet the man who wants to spend the rest of his life learning to love you. You’ll feel the same way about him, and God will smile. 

Faithful, committed, unconditional married love is the closest we’ll experience this side of Heaven to the love God has for his bride. 

And that, dear friend, is pretty special.

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