When my daughter was ten years old, my husband paid her to smile.
As our turn in front of the camera neared, my husband grew desperate.
To read the rest of this post, please click over to my new website, REFRESH. Click here to read Paid to Smile.
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Sunday
Paid to Smile -- Growing through Times of Lament
When my daughter was ten years old, my husband paid her to smile.
As our turn in front of the camera neared, my husband grew desperate.
Thursday
Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love
I think I’ve bought ten copies of Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love over the years. I always keep one on my bookshelf, but the others I’ve given away. My husband and I first read it when we lost my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law, and my sister within eight-months time. I wish I’d known about it when my granny passed away. And now, in the days following my mother-in-law’s death, we’re reading it again.Ironically, we’re reading the copy we gave her when she was walking through the loss of her two children.
Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love, by Raymond R. Mitsch and Lynn Brookside is a small, unassuming book that spreads a healing balm on the raw wounds of grief. Comprised of 70 daily devotions, this little book has walked us through the roller coaster of thoughts, emotions, and physical manifestations of losing loved ones.
It came highly recommended by a dear friend who had lost his young wife to spinal meningitis and had sought counsel from Raymond, a clinical counselor, in the early days of his grief. His family has given away more copies of this book than we have.
Each daily reading identifies and validates the different thoughts, emotions, and physical manifestations people experience when they’re grieving. Did you know grieving people often suffer from loss of concentration, panic attacks, and sleeplessness? Or that sometimes they feel anger toward their loved ones who have died? Did you realize it’s normal for them to suffer flashbacks of the last time they saw their loved one? Or to hear their voices or think they see them in a crowd or driving down the road?
Each short chapter talks about a different aspect of grief. Because both authors have lost loved ones, (Ray lost his father when he was 12 years old), they also share snippets of their own grieving experiences. This makes the book seem more like a conversation with an empathetic friend than a grief-counseling manual.
What brings us the most comfort as we work our way through this book—again—is that Ray and Lynn are Christians, and this is a Christian devotional for dealing with grief and loss. The book’s foundation is the hope-filled truths of Scripture, and their words are Spirit empowered. From the first devotion to the last, they share the basis of our hope as believers, 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18:
“Brothers, we don’t want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of them, who have no hope. . . .”
If you’re grieving today, or you know someone who is, I highly recommend Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love.
A Follow Up to "Let's Get Drunk." My Sister's Guest Post
Last week I shared how God gave me the opportunity to extend hope and love to a stranger named Katie in a post called "Let's Get Drunk." In response, my sister, Tina, shared this story. May you be as blessed and encouraged as I was.
After our sister Cindy died, I continued to text her as I usually did, just to tell her what I was thinking or feeling. I knew her phone was disconnected, but even though my texts went into cyber space, all was good, because I felt I was, in a way, still talking with her.
Late one night, which was when we usually texted or talked, I sent a text to her number. To my surprise, I immediately received a text back. I couldn't believe my eyes when her name flashed across the screen!
I caught my breath and tried to read the message through the tears in my eyes. For years, no matter when I texted Cindy, she would always text right back. I thought for sure I was finally waking up from the horrible nightmare that had taken place over the past three months.
Maybe Cindy hadn't died, and she was answering back with her usual "Tina, it is after midnight, time to play name that tune!" We would forever be asking each other "What is the name of . . . you know the song that goes like this. . . "
But it wasn't.
It was someone else telling me, "You have the wrong number."
After apologizing for texting so late, I explained what had happened and told the other person, "So sorry, it will not happen again."
I got a unexpected response.
"Sorry for your loss. Blessings to you and yours. All things happen for a reason. Maybe ur sister reached out through me. Have a good night!"
This person could have just said, "Oops, sorry, wrong number," and that would have been the end of it. Instead they took a moment to respond to my pain. Because of this stranger's kindness, I felt that Cindy would always be there for me whenever I needed her, and that, somehow, she would always know just when I needed her.
I locked the message into my phone that night and still, almost four years after my sister's death, when I need to know she's there, I read the message.
You never know what your actions could mean to someone. The smallest thing could make a huge difference.
I just thought I would share what taking a moment to care can do.
If you enjoyed this post, would you leave a comment below to thank Tina for sharing her story? And if you missed the original post, you can read "Let's Get Drunk" here.
If you'd like to read more about our journey through the loss of our sister, you can read about it here:
Have I Told You Lately that I Love You?
Is There an Empty Chair at Your Table?
Riverbend Community Church, 1015 Corley Mill Rd. in Lexington, SC has invited me to share "Are You a Worry Wart or a Warrior Woman?" at their Spring Luncheon on Saturday, May 3, from 12-2.
The event is open to the public, but you must register by April 25. There's a $5 charge. If you're in the area and could use some transparent and timely encouragement, I'd love for you to join us. For more information and to register, visit www.riverbendchurch.org.
Hungry for God is on Pinterest! If you're a Pinterest fan, I'd love to connect with you there. CLICK HERE to follow Hungry for God. I'd love to follow you back :)
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| Cindy and Tina |
Late one night, which was when we usually texted or talked, I sent a text to her number. To my surprise, I immediately received a text back. I couldn't believe my eyes when her name flashed across the screen!
I caught my breath and tried to read the message through the tears in my eyes. For years, no matter when I texted Cindy, she would always text right back. I thought for sure I was finally waking up from the horrible nightmare that had taken place over the past three months.
Maybe Cindy hadn't died, and she was answering back with her usual "Tina, it is after midnight, time to play name that tune!" We would forever be asking each other "What is the name of . . . you know the song that goes like this. . . "
But it wasn't.
It was someone else telling me, "You have the wrong number."
After apologizing for texting so late, I explained what had happened and told the other person, "So sorry, it will not happen again."
I got a unexpected response.
"Sorry for your loss. Blessings to you and yours. All things happen for a reason. Maybe ur sister reached out through me. Have a good night!"
 |
| Cindy holding her baby sister, Tina |
I locked the message into my phone that night and still, almost four years after my sister's death, when I need to know she's there, I read the message.
You never know what your actions could mean to someone. The smallest thing could make a huge difference.
I just thought I would share what taking a moment to care can do.
 | ||
| Cindy, Tina, and Lori--sisters forever |
If you enjoyed this post, would you leave a comment below to thank Tina for sharing her story? And if you missed the original post, you can read "Let's Get Drunk" here.
If you'd like to read more about our journey through the loss of our sister, you can read about it here:
Have I Told You Lately that I Love You?
Is There an Empty Chair at Your Table?
Upcoming Speaking Event
Riverbend Community Church, 1015 Corley Mill Rd. in Lexington, SC has invited me to share "Are You a Worry Wart or a Warrior Woman?" at their Spring Luncheon on Saturday, May 3, from 12-2.
The event is open to the public, but you must register by April 25. There's a $5 charge. If you're in the area and could use some transparent and timely encouragement, I'd love for you to join us. For more information and to register, visit www.riverbendchurch.org.
Hungry for God is on Pinterest! If you're a Pinterest fan, I'd love to connect with you there. CLICK HERE to follow Hungry for God. I'd love to follow you back :)
Sunday
Everything in a cemetery isn't dead -- a tribute to my sister-in-law
Everything is dead in a cemetery.
Flowers that were once alive wither within hours.
Some of the flowers there were never alive, yet they fade and drop as well--twice dead, perhaps?
But no, one needs to be alive to die.
Ironic.
We come to commemorate my sister-in-law's life. It's her birthday. It seems cruel to list her birthday on a marker right next to the date of her death, but death is cruel.
"What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes" (James 4:14).
We bring a bright balloon that proclaims HAPPY BIRTHDAY! to tie around the grave marker.
I wonder if such celebratory language is disrespectful in such a dismal place.
I'm certainly not feeling the exclamation point stamped in gold on the balloon. Instead, I feel a pang of regret for the last birthday we could have celebrated together. But she was busy, and we were getting ready to leave on a mission trip, so we hugged over the phone and made promises of how we'd celebrate when we got home.
We never dreamed that we would return in two weeks, and she would be gone.
"Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow" (James 4:13-14).
I threw the gift in the trash.
She doesn't need the necklace and earrings anymore. She's wearing a spotless robe that needs no accessories.
"I know you're not here," my mother-in-law says, "but I want to sing to you any way." Her warbly voice makes it almost all the way through the traditional refrain before it cracks, and she kneels down to tie the balloon.
As it escapes the bond that tethered it to earth and slowly makes its way to the sky, there's a certain rightness about it.
And I realize that we've got it all wrong. Tying the balloon to the grave marker flies in the face of the fact that Kay is not here.
The balloon remembered what we had lost sight of --
Not everything in a cemetery is dead.
"I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies" (John 11:25).
"Why do you look for the living among the dead? (S)he is not here; (s)he has risen!"
"When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?
But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain" (1 Corinthians 15:54-58).
". . . and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" (John 11:26).
Happy Birthday, Kay. We'll celebrate when we get home.
If you enjoyed this devotion, may I tell you about my new book, Hungry for God … Starving for Time, 5-Minute Devotions for Busy Women? Today's women want to connect with God, but in the craziness of life, it’s just not happening. You want practical, biblical answers to situations you face every day, but you don’t have hours to pore over Scripture.
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• If God already knows what he’s going to do, why bother to pray?
• Why have you allowed this to happen to me?
• No one appreciates what I do. Why shouldn’t I quit?
Each devotion begins with a Facetime question and ends with a biblical answer wrapped in a modern day parable. Like a spiritual power bar, Hungry for God … Starving for Time is packed with enough scriptural nutrition to get you through the day.
Wherever you are—in break rooms, carpool lines, or wherever you can snatch five minutes of quiet reflection—Hungry for God … Starving for Time, 5-Minute Devotions for Busy Women is for you. 
Hungry for God is on Facebook! Will you take a moment and LIKE my page? CLICK HERE to help HFG share 5-minute devotions.
Thursday
3 Steps to Take When Grief Makes You Angry
I'm not by nature an angry person. It's not my default mode, and I seldom deal with everyday life in an angry way, but recently I got mad.
When I realized I was mad at my sister-in-law Kay, who died almost two years ago, I wondered if I was losing it.
We were preparing to celebrate a family birthday with my in-laws. As we decided who would bring what dish to the potluck meal, there was a big gaping hole when we got to the question of the cake.
"Kay always made the cake," my husband said.
But Kay is no longer with us. She went home to be with the Lord two summers ago.
And I was left baking the cake.
And boy, was I mad.
In a sad sort of way.
I wasn't mad because I had to bake the cake. I was mad because there was going to be yet another celebration that wasn't quite a celebration any more. A member of my family who was supposed to be there wasn't. Not any more. Not ever again. And that made me angry.
My friend Renee' will graduate from college next month. And her father won't be in the audience clapping and cheering for her. He died when she was three.
And she's angry. In a sad sort of way.
And then there's my neighbor, whose husband paid every bill and balanced the checkbook every month for over 50 years. This month she has to do it alone.
And she's angry, too. In a sad sort of way.
My friend, Buffy Crabtree, a grief counselor and author of the book Grieving God's Way, tells me it's normal. She says people often manifest feelings of deep sorrow in anger. It's a natural response when someone precious has been taken from us, and we are left to carry on. Whenever we reach a milestone in our lives that our loved one should be a part of, whether it's small, like a birthday party, or huge, like a graduation or wedding, we grieve all over again. Sometimes we express this grief in anger instead of sorrow.
In her book, she shares three ways to deal with angry grief constructively:
1. We can take comfort in the knowledge that God understands when we hurt and longs to wrap His healing arms around us. Being honest with God about our emotions allows Him to console us. Remembering that even Jesus grieved at the tomb of a beloved friend reminds us that He understands every bit of pain we feel.
2. It's important to express our feelings, not stifle them. Talking with a spouse, friend, Sunday School teacher, or other empathetic listener doesn't change our circumstances, but it reminds us we are not alone.
3. If we feel our anger is difficult to manage, out of control, or destructive to ourselves or others, it's important to secure the help of a trusted counselor, pastor, or friend. They can help us channel our anger into more constructive expressions of grief and bring us one step closer to healing.
As a believer, I have the comfort of scripture to remind me that the empty place around our celebration table isn't forever. One day soon, I will sit around a celebration table with my sister-in-law Kay, my sister Cindy, and my brother-in-law Luther, and we'll hear the announcement from the throne saying:
"Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away" (Rev. 21:4).
And we'll eat cake together.
Helpful Resources and Books:
1.Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love by Raymond Mitsch
2. GriefShare – www.griefshare.org
3. Recovering from Losses in Life by H. Norman Wright
4. Why? Trusting God When You Don’t Understand by Anne Graham Lotz
5. The Anger Workbook: A 13-Step Interactive Plan to Help You by Les Carter, Ph.D and Frank Minirth,MD.
Hungry for God is on Facebook! Will you take a moment and LIKE my page? CLICK HERE to help HFG share 5-minute devotions.
Dr. B's Red Pajamas
Dr. B. always requested me as his dental hygienist. Because of our regular appointments, I knew quite well the physical challenges he had experienced. A tall man, always nicely groomed with a shock of white hair, Dr. B. is an education specialist at a local university. He had his first hip replacement some twelve years ago. Afterward, he walked with a cane and a limp.
Three years after surgery, his hip was recalled. This meant he had to suffer another surgery, along with extensive rehabilitation. Three years after his second surgery, his hip failed again. Now he is permanently confined to a wheel chair. A taxi driver delivers him to all of his appointments.
Six months ago, he was so weak and sick when he arrived at our office that he couldn't get out of the taxi. Our doctor met him at the car and directed him straight to the emergency room. He spent four months in the hospital. We never expected him to be released.
But there he sat, dapper as usual, his dignified charm unaffected by his less than formal pajama pants. I had to hug him.
"You don't know what I went through these past months," he said.
"I heard," I replied, "and I am really glad to see you."
While I was thinking of the physical trial he had been through, there was another trial weighing heavily on his heart.
"My oldest brother died three months ago," he said, eyes filling up with tears, "and my youngest brother died a few weeks ago. I couldn't attend either funeral. My son and his wife went in my place."
My heart hurt for this man who had suffered so much. While up to this point I had been unable to offer him anything but sympathy concerning his physical trials, I now had a place to connect.
"While my family was in Mexico on a mission trip," I told him, "my sister-in-law died suddenly. We were unable to make it back for her funeral. Dear friends stood in our places. It brings a lot of comfort, doesn't it, knowing that someone is there on your behalf?"
"Yes it does," he replied thoughtfully.
Although my words changed nothing about Dr. B's situation, I know they brought a measure of comfort to his tender heart. There is something about the fellowship of suffering that bonds people together. The apostle Paul talked about the mysterious power of shared pain in Second Corinthians 1:4-5, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
When we reach out to people in the name of Jesus and allow them to share both our pain and our consolation, in a small way, we redeem our suffering. We choose, as Joni Erickson Tada often says, not to waste the pain.
If you have experienced a painful time in your life, maybe a job loss, a death, a broken marriage, a sickness, or a wayward child, and God has brought you through, be ready to offer words of hope and comfort to those around you. Be ready, as Peter admonished us, "to give a reason for the hope that lies within you" (1 Peter 3:15).
Be comforted, also, that suffering surrendered to Christ and offered up for his use is not in vain. Instead of despairing, we can "rejoice, inasmuch as you are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when His glory shall be revealed, you may be glad also with exceeding joy" (1 Peter 4:13).
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