Speaking Gary Chapman's Love Language

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It was obvious the two travelers standing in the hotel lobby weren't communicating very well. As I watched them struggle to understand each other, I realized the situation was pretty hopeless. Despite a lack of desire, interest, and enthusiasm, they simply weren't speaking the same language.

Many couples today are just as frustrated as these two travelers.

Despite the fact that they can speak the same national language, husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, friends, co-workers, and family members struggle to communicate love and appreciation to each other. A language barrier of a different kind is at the root of their problems.  

"What if you could do or say just the right thing guaranteed to make that special someone feel loved?" asks Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the book The Five Love Languages. His book, which has sold over 7 million copies and been translated into 38 different languages, answers the question.

After 10 years of marriage and family counseling, Dr. Chapman realized that people give and receive love in five different ways--through physical touch and closeness, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and gift-giving. People tend to express love in the way they best receive love. Unfortunately, if the person on the receiving end of these expressions of love doesn't share their love language, that person often feels unloved, despite the other's sincere attempts.

I had the privilege of interviewing Dr. Chapman when he was in Columbia, South Carolina, to present his seminar, The Marriage You've Always Wanted. As I prepared to interview this man whose ministry has revolutionized so many relationships, I wanted to express my appreciation to him. 

My first thought as I pictured him and his assistant flying in, getting settled in their respective hotel rooms, and preparing for the next day's conference, was how devoid of creature comforts many hotel rooms are. I decided that after a long day of traveling and an even longer evening of preparation for the upcoming conference, they'd probably be ready for a snack before they retired for the evening. 

I'll bake them cookies, I decided. And bake I did. My best and most favorite recipe--Oatmeal Walnut.
Later that day, however, as I was looking over my interview questions and flipping through the Love Languages book, I read a section where Dr. Chapman shared a vignette about the early days of his (now 61-year) marriage. "My wife's love language is acts of service," he said, "and mine is words of affirmation."

Uh-oh.

I realized that despite my earnest desire to demonstrate appreciation to Dr. Chapman by bringing him homemade cookies, my offering was going to fall far short of my intended mark.

I was a classic example of the language barrier Dr. Chapman so often writes about!

Because my love language is acts of service, I automatically defaulted to planning an act of service to express my appreciation to Dr. Chapman. While I'm sure my gift of cookies would have been appreciated, I realized there was a better way to communicate my kind thoughts.

I met Dr. Chapman and his wonderful assistant Janis in the lobby of the Marriott hotel, and after introductions and hand shakes, I began, "Dr. Chapman, I'd like to express my thanks to you for all you have done through your books and seminars. . ." 

I proceeded to share a story about how my husband and I used the principles of his book to lead a marriage conference in Mexico. "Raul and Ellen attended," I related, "and during the time we spent together, they both prayed to receive Christ as their Savior. Six years later, they are active in church and growing in their faith. Thank you."

"Thank you so much for sharing that story," he said quietly.

While I can only guess what my words meant to him, I can say with reasonable confidence that by making the effort to speak his love language instead of my own, I was able to most effectively communicate affirmation to him.

Now I must confess, I still brought the cookies. And as I was leaving the interview, I jokingly asked him, "Would you like to take a guess at what my love language is?"

"Well," he responded with a smile, "if you bought these cookies, I'd say gift-giving. If you baked them, then it would have to be acts of service."

Bingo. 

Do you know your love language? How about your spouse's, children's, friends, co-workers'? If not, I encourage you to visit The 5 Love Languages website for a free quiz. It could revolutionize the way you relate to the people you care about the most.

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